Finding & Keeping Life Partner

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

 

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; you need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good and do the right '. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?

You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not - going  -  anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention... Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones don’t appreciate you? Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. HONESTY

2. TRUST

3. COMMUNICATION

4. INTIMACY

5. A SENSE OF HUMOR

6. SHARING TASKS

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF

COMMITMENT

11. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

[Now it’s time to do some self reflection, and see which area we can improvise. It’s not too late, nor too early.]

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Dubai in 2015

It's always been my dream to go to Dubai. Through words of mouth, Dubai is one of the nicest place for tourist attractions. One of the most expensive hotel in the world. Yes...i am talking about Burj Al Arab Royal Suites. Costing $6850 per night. Woah...can you imagine the feeling of going into such luxury hotel. You sure do will feel like you just stepped into paradise. One day i'll be in there...hehehe...can't wait :D But to think of it again...when will that be???

Burj Al Arab Royal Suites

The hotel is built like a billowing sail and it is said to be the tallest hotel in the world (1,053 feet high).

Burj Dubai Hotel

On February 3, 2007, UAE Vice President and Prime Minister and Ruler of Dubai His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum presented Dubai Strategic Plan 2015.

Tahajjud Cinta

Rahsia cinta hanya Allah saja yang tahu. Apakah erti sebenar percintaan? Cukupkah dengan melafazkan “I Love You” atau “Saya Cintakan Awak”? Cinta sejati yang berlandaskan “Lillahi ta’ala” jarang kita temui pada zaman sekarang. Kebanyakkan cinta yang ada hanya cinta yang berlandaskan nafsu serakah. Di mana faktor penilaian memilih pasangan diukur dari kecantikkan luaran saja tanpa melihat pada keimanan seseorang itu. 

Memang tidak mudah untuk mencari cinta yang sejati. Cinta seorang insan yang hatinya tunduk takut hanya kepada Allah ta’ala dan tidak yang lain. Masih wujudkah orang seperti ini? Mungkin ada tapi tidak ramai yang seperti itu. Orang kata, ukur baju di badan sendiri. Apakah ukuran kita cukup untuk digandingkan dengan insan soleh ciptaan Allah itu?

Cinta layaknya seperti seekor rama-rama. Semakin kalian mengejarnya, semakin jauh ia terbang meninggalkan kalian. Biarkan rama-ramamu terbang kemana saja ia suka. Siapa tahu bila ia lelah dan tidak sadar akan kewujudanmu, ia bakal mengibaskan sayapnya kearahmu menumpang teduh dari panas hujan badai duniawi dalam keadaan yang kau tidak sangka mungkin saja rama-rama yang kau kejar itu bukan rama-rama yang Allah peruntukkan buatmu.

HARTA PUSAKA BUKAN MILIK KITA

Sengketa Harta Pusaka

Pepata melayu ada menyatakan: Sebab pulut santan binasa, sebab mulut badan binasa. Mungkin juga boleh ditambah: sebab harta terputus saudara. Lebih-lebih lagi apabila ia bersangkutan dengan harta pusaka.

Kerap kali kita membaca di dada akhbar keluarga itu dan ini berpecah kerana berebut harta pusaka. Ibu dan anak yang dulunya rapat, sekarang tidak bertegur sapa. Adik-beradik yang dulunya bergurau senda, sekarang bermusuhan.

Ada beberapa sebab mengapa ini berlaku:

1.       Si mati tidak meninggalkan wasiat. Atau dia meninggalkan wasiat yang tidak jelas, yang boleh dicabar d ruang mahkamah.

2.      Agku waris tiada pengetahuan dalam ilmu pembahagian harta pusaka dalam Islam (Ilmu Faraidh).

3.      Kekeliruan dalam menangani sebahagian jenis harta pusaka kontemporari, seperti rumah HDB, CPF, insurans dan sebagainya.

4.      Kurang amanah dalam melaksanakan tugas membahagi harta pusaka.

Apabila disebut tentang wasiat, rata-rata masyarakat Islam kita terbahagi kepada dua kelompok: mereka yang tidak ambil peduli tentang wasiat, dan mereka yang bersungguh-sungguh ingin membuat wasiat tetapi tidak tahu cara sebenar melakukannya mengikut landasan Islam.

Wasiat Atas Landasan Syarak

Walaupun wasiat itu adalah sunat, namun ia amat digalakkan oleh Rasulullah s.a.w. Jika wasiat itu berbentuk pesanan dan nasihat, ia akan membantu ahli warisnya untuk melaksanakan permintaannya kelak. Jika wasiat itu adalah untuk harta, maka ia perlu mengikut syarat-syarat yang ditetapkan oleh Islam.

1.       Seseorang itu tidak boleh mewasiatkan lebih dari sepertiga dari keseluruhan hartanya. Islam meletakkan had ini agar ahli waris lain juga dapat merasai sebahagian dari harta pusakanya. Jika syarat ini tidak dipatuhi, ia akan menimbulkan permusuhan dan tuduhan bahawa si penerima wasiat sama ada memalsukan wasiat tersebut atau melakukan sesuatu agar si mati mewasiatkan semua atau sebahagian besar hartanya kepada dia.

2.      Penerima wasiat bukan di kalangan ahli keluarga si mati yang berhak menerima harta pusakanya. Islam telah menetapkan, melalui Ilmu Faraidh, siapakah yang layak menerima harta pusaka apabila seseorang itu meninggal dunia. Jika mereka juga mendapat bahagian dari wasiat, ia bermakna mereka mendapat dua kali bahagian:

a)      Hak yang telah menentukan untuk mereka oleh Islam.

b)      BahagianBahagian dari wasiat.

Untuk berlaku adil, Islam menetapkan bahawa seseorang itu mendapat harta pusaka melalui satu jalan sahaja: sama ada melalui pembahagian yang telah ditetapkan oleh Ilmu Faraidh, atau melalui wasiat.

Adakalanya berlaku juga kejadian di mana sebahagian ahli waris tidak bersetuju dengan wasiat yang telah dibuat oleh si mati walaupun ia mengikut syarat-syarat yang ditetapkan oleh Islam.

Atau mereka mengetahui wasiat tersebut tetapi menyembunyikannya sehingga wasiat tersebut tidak dilaksanakan. Ada juga yang sengaja menahan atau mengambil hak ahli waris lain segara terang-terangan, tanpa segan dan silu.

Harta Adalah Amanah Allah

Sebagai orang Islam, kita perlu sentiasa ingat bahawa harta bukanlah milik kita. Ia adalah milik Allah yang telah mengamanahkannya kepada kita. Bagaimana kita laksanakan amanah tersebut, akan menentukan nasib kita di akhirat kelak. Jika harta yang kita perolehi dari keringat peluh kita bukanlah milik kita, inikan pula harta pusaka yang dating bukan dari usaha tangan kita, tetapi dari jerih payah si mati.

Apa yang telah ditetapkan kepada kita oleh Allah s.w.t, merupakan hak sementara kita di dunia. Tetapi jika kita ambil lebih dari yang telah ditetapkan, kita kelak akan dipertanggung-jawabkan di hadapan Allah kerana mengambil hak orang lain.

Erti kata lain, ahli waris yang tidak amanah dalam menjalankan wasiat dan pembahagian harta pusaka merupakan seorang pencuri dalam pandangan Allah. Harta tersebut akan hilang keberkatan. Ia bukan membawa manfaat, tetapi akan membawa mudarat dan mengundang malapetaka di dunia ini. Sudah tentu kita tidak mahu bencana dan kecelakaan menimpa kita hanya kerana sejumpah wang yang tidak kekal.

Di akhirat pula, Allah mengancam mereka dengan seksaan dan makanan dari api neraka. Sudah tentu kita tidak mahu diseksa dengan azab yang sangat dahsyat hanya kerana beberapa dollar sahaja.

Jernihkan Pemahaman

Marilah kita perbetulkan persepsi kita. Harta pusaka adalah hadiah untuk kita. Apa yang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah untuk kita maka kita boleh ambilnya. Apa yang telah ditetapkan untuk ahli waris lain, janganlah ditahan kerana ia bukan hak kita.

Orang yang merahsiakan hak ahli waris akan dituntut oleh ahli waris tersebut di akhirat kelak. Pahala yang dia dapat dari penat lelah ibadahnya di dunia akan diberikan kepada ahli waris yang ditahan haknya itu. Apakah ada perbandingan antara pahala dan harta? Adakah harta lebih baik dan lebih kekal dari pahala?

Kita perlu sentiasa sedar bahawa yang kita cari adalah keberkatan dari harta. Bukan yang mengundang duka nestapa dan permusuhan sepanjang masa.

[Dipetik dari Berita Harian: 6 December 2009, Isnin]